Girl, tell me whatcha say
I don't want you to leave me
Though you caught me cheatin'
Tell me, tell me whatcha say
I really need you in my life

-- "Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo

By Christina Holder

Read author's note and Part 3.

The first guy I dated in high school cheated on me with an older ex-girlfriend. I was too young and too naive to understand the ramifications, but I felt lousy and insecure.

Serious Ex-Boyfriend #1 sauntered along shortly after college. We dated for about two years, and then one weekend when my job as a newspaper reporter took me out of town to cover a hurricane, he hooked up with a family friend who sought refuge from the storm at his family's home. He felt guilty, came up with an excuse, and broke up with me. Later he confessed and went to great lengths to win me back -- including publishing a letter to the editor of the newspaper where I worked.

I thought I loved Serious Ex #1. The revelation of his cheating hurt me deeply. I struggled with whether I should give him another chance. I wanted to, but I didn't know how I could ever trust him again.

We spent the next several weeks observing each other across the broken plain of our relationship. In the end, however, Serious Ex #1 wasn't serious about me or restoring our relationship. Cheating had become a terrible, painful, unfair excuse to get out of the relationship. And winning me back was an issue of pride for him: He didn't want to feel like a bad person.

In those post-breakup weeks, I asked my father what he thought of Serious Ex #1's "Win Christina Back!" campaign. My father, not surprisingly, was unimpressed. He thought Serious Ex #1 was immature and that the breakup, although painful, was a blessing for me. He quoted 1 Corinthians 11:13: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

I wanted to be with a man who had character, he said, who was willing to put his childish ways behind him and to be a godly man.

The reasons for cheating -- all of which are always wrong reasons -- are different for every couple. But cheating does boil down to something we all can see in the bottom of the pot: A person's character.

A person who gives into his or her desires and cheats on a loved one shows lack of respect and restraint. Sometimes he or she acts on lust. Often, however, cheaters aren't content or confident in some area of their lives. Sometimes he or she cheats instead of confronting an issue or being honest.

As I discovered, the fall-out is devastating for a woman. I didn't just feel heartbroken, I felt like part of my femininity was gone. My heart longed to hear that I was beautiful. I desired to pour my life into a lasting, safe partnership. And it's a terrible feeling not to be wanted. Anger, resentment, sorrow, and even the feeling of ugliness all surfaced in my life following Serious Ex #1's cheating episode.

The biggest blessing in this situation, though, was that I had a choice.

Serious Ex #1 wasn't my husband. He was my boyfriend. I could easily break away and find someone who wouldn't cheat but would respect me enough to be honest with me instead of making out with another woman to avoid breaking up.

I also learned not to jump back into the arms of an unfaithful boyfriend just because I love him. That's what my heart wanted, but I was only setting myself up for more pain if I did.

Working through cheating is a painful, emotional process. If I had stayed with Serious Ex #1, it would have been easy to continue covering up the problems. Stepping away allowed me to deal with them and find that he really wasn't the man for me. I saved myself more years of heartache by not delaying the inevitable breakup.

All of this wouldn't have come though if I hadn't emotionally distanced myself as I worked through the hard questions. Dealing with a boyfriend's infidelity is a lot like playing "Simon, Says." Simon says, "Take a giant step back." Simon says, "Walk away" -- at least for the time being.

There are men who want to make it work after a cheating episode. I don't think getting back together should be ruled out in every situation. But trust hasn't just been tinkered with; it's been destroyed. And it can take a lifetime to build it up again. If God wants to work through the situation and the boyfriend who has cheated wants to make a big change in his life, then it can happen. But it won't happen without time and lots of work.

If you are considering giving your boyfriend another chance, spend some time thinking about these areas.

His Motivations

Why does he want to get back together with you? A Jason Derulo-esqe reason ("But me and you were meant to last forever") isn't a good enough reason. Does trying to win you back make him feel less guilty or less like a jerk? Are other people (like his parents) pressuring him to win you back? Evaluating his motivations will help you determine how sincere and serious he is about the relationship -- and about changing.

His Heart

Does he truly have a repentant heart? Scripture says that God is not pleased with offerings. He is pleased with a broken spirit; "a broken and a contrite heart" (Psalm 51:17). The Hebrew for "broken" is a word that means to "rend violently" and the Hebrew for "contrite" is a word that means "crushed to pieces." Is his spirit and heart crushed to pieces not because he feels badly about himself but because he is so aware of his sin that he is willing to surrender all to God? Being repentant means that you make a change and that you don't return to that sin.

His Actions

What is he doing during this post-breakup time? I don't mean is he sending a bouquet of flowers to your house everyday and buying you expensive gifts. A dozen roses is nice, but flowers die. Has he cut off all communication with the woman he hooked up with? Did he set up an appointment with your pastor to discuss how to be more accountable? Did he follow through and actually become more accountable to godly men in his life who can encourage and guide him? Did he call your parents or go visit them to explain what happened, to ask for their forgiveness, and to tell them specifically how he plans to build trust with them and you during this trial period? Is he available to you -- does he pick up the phone when you call, is he where he says he is, does he go out of his way to be transparent and to make you feel comfortable?

Even if he is doing all of these things, I caution you in getting back together with him immediately. When you love someone it is difficult to do something like this, but time will tell if he is willing to run the distance. This isn't about punishing him. It is, however, about testing his motivations, his heart, and his actions -- and about honoring God in that process.

When you respect yourself enough to remember who God made you to be and to stand for His principles, then you show that you love Him. As you wait and observe, remember the beautiful woman God made you to be. Scripture calls you a work of art (Ephesians 2:10) and the apple of God's eye (Psalm 17:8). You were made to be in a relationship with your Creator, and what He says about you is what counts. He calls you beautiful, treasured. and adored.

The good news for both you and your man -- regardless of what happens in the future -- is that God isn't a cheater. He loves you both. He will never leave either of you. As you trust in Him and in His way, He will guide, bless, and bring you into a grand future.

Today I'm thankful that my relationship with Serious Ex #1 didn't go further. Beyond his mistake, I realized that I was looking for a man with different qualities than he had.

I'm also thankful that two years after that messy, heartbreaking relationship, Serious Ex #1 has appeared to leave his childish ways behind and become a man. He committed to marriage and to being faithful to one woman. I pray that he honors that sacred gift and continues to respect it as an extension of His loving relationship with the Father.

Read Part 5.

To discuss this article, visit our blog, Fresh Brew.

______________________________________________________________________

Christina Holder is a freelance writer based in Liberia, West Africa, where she is recording post-war stories five years after Liberia's brutal 14-year civil war. She is a former reporter for the Naples (Fla.) Daily News and a former reporter/researcher for syndicated columnist Robert D. Novak in Washington, D.C. She writes for the blog Beautifully Broken, which encourages women with God's promise to take their brokenness and to make it beautiful. Read more of Christina's Ungrind articles here.

_______________________________________________________________________

Copyright © 2010 Christina Holder. All rights reserved. This article was published on Ungrind.org on February 10, 2010.