This article is excerpted from a chapter titled "My Needs Come First" from the book The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently About Your Relationship Can Change Everything by Mitch Temple. The book examines common myths in marriage, such as "my needs come first," and how this type of distorted thinking can be destruction in marriage.
Would you like to know one of the single most powerful, effective, and life-changing choices you could ever make in your marriage? Are you ready for this? It is the conscious, ongoing, sometimes daily decision to give up rights. Getting married means giving up the life of a single-person mindset. Married people have to learn to think in terms of being one, which happens to involve another person. It is a team mind-set, no longer an individual one.
I've never put much stock in trends, but when it comes to my marriage counseling, I've certainly observed one that disturbs me. It is the tendency in Christian marriages to displace what God wants in our lives with the desire to "have my own needs met."
I see that as a problem. It's a problem when my way is more important than letting God have His way. The culture has apparently influenced us more than we realize. Satan has slipped another unhealthy myth into our hearts. Look at what God's Word says about the need to "give up" certain things in order for relationships to flourish:
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. (Philippians 2:3–8 NKJV)
The Scriptures are pretty plain: Don't allow selfishness to ruin your life or your relationships. Period.
Dr. Bill Doherty, a friend and colleague, is one of the most knowledgeable marriage researchers in the country. He feels that besides issues like excessive busyness, career-first mind-sets, media influence, reduced intimacy, less connection, and less focus on relationships in general, one of the main threats to marriage today is a "consumer mind-set."
Dr. Doherty puts it like this:
The consumer attitude toward marriage is all around us and affects all of us, like air pollution. We can detect it most readily when we are bothered by something in our mate or our marriage and hear ourselves thinking or saying things like, "What am I getting out of this marriage, anyway?" or "I deserve better" or "What's in this for me?" Not that these thoughts are altogether inappropriate; if your spouse is having an affair or hitting you, then focusing on self-interest is quite appropriate. But when your mate is not the lover you had hoped for, or nags you more than you want, or is not emotionally expressive enough for you, then consumer thinking suggests that you have not cut the best possible deal in marrying this person. Then you start to do cost-benefit analysis: what am I getting from this relationship in terms of what I am putting into it?1
Dr. Scott Stanley and other leading marriage researchers are also seeing similar findings.2 Real sacrifice is the deliberate choice of giving something up for the sake of another. Marriages that do best are the ones in which two people decide daily to give up and to sacrifice for the other.
Lessons from the Good Samaritan
If you have ever darkened the door of a Sunday school room, you've heard the story. Luke chapter 10 tells the story of a man who unexpectedly sacrificed his own rights to rescue someone who would have never expected his help.
Most of us know it as Jesus' parable of the good Samaritan.
A man on the road to Jericho was attacked, beaten, robbed, and left for dead by the side of the road. Two different religious officials—a priest and a Levite—chose not to "become involved." They passed by and did not help the injured man. Then a Samaritan, despised by the Jews, came across the man and stopped to help. This story has such great application for marriage.
The Good Samaritan was more interested in serving than being served. The priest and Levite were religious leaders, but they lacked a compassionate heart. They were looking through myopic, self-centered eyes. They seemed to be driven by the myth "It is all about me, my welfare, my comfort, my schedule, and the way that other religious people perceive me." They determined it was too risky to help this man.
The scorned Samaritan, however, saw the man, wounded and barely conscious, and wasted no time in helping him.
Hmm, how often have I done the same thing when I saw that my wife was deeply hurting?
One of the great truths of this story is the fact that being "religious" does not necessarily instill in a person righteous attitudes and actions. The truth is we must overcome our selfish nature and develop an eye to help, sacrifice, and serve at any given moment—especially our own mates.
The Samaritan was intentional about his compassion. The text says that the Samaritan "took pity" on the wounded man (v. 33). In other words, the Samaritan was intentionally empathetic toward that wounded crime victim. Though he may have experienced a brief moment of fear, he overcame with a stronger, deeper core principle—compassion.
I once asked a large group of couples at a marriage retreat to tell me what kept them from serving their spouse, as they knew they should. Can you guess the number one answer?
It was fear.
The most common fears were: (1) fear of doing the wrong thing, (2) fear of making matters worse, (3) fear of saying things that would embarrass me, (4) fear of being rejected, and (5) the fear of being used.
Developing a spirit of compassion and empathy will overcome any fear of serving another. Compassion is more powerful than fear. It will cause a husband or wife who has hurt the other to say, "I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?" even when he or she is not convinced it was all his or her fault.
The Samaritan put his concern into action. "He ... bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine" (v. 34). The Samaritan could have offered excuses ... he wasn't prepared, it wasn't his affair, or he didn't have time. Instead, he simply used the supplies and time in front of him. In that day wine was used as an anesthetic, and oil was used to soothe wounds and ease pain.
When you are presented the opportunity to serve your spouse, it will usually be at an inopportune time, or a time when you're least prepared. You can always make excuses as to why you shouldn't help: "This is a bad time for me" or "I was asked to work another shift."
No matter how inconvenient the opportunity may be, when it comes to marriage, action should take precedence over justification. Trust is built in a marriage when partners serve each other as the opportunity arises.
The Samaritan was willing to be inconvenienced. "He put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him" (v. 34). The Samaritan could have reasoned that he didn't want to take the risk of becoming involved. He could have also reasoned from a social concern: "What if a friend or business associate sees me helping this man? He's different than I am. If I help him, my colleagues may look down on me. This could hurt my business."
Jesus referred to this man as "good" for a reason. He was willing to risk social status, safety, and even loss of business to serve. He did not allow inconvenience or fear to prevent him from helping.
Shouldn't we be just as willing to do the same for the wife of our youth or for the husband who was sent as a gift from God Himself?
I have to remember that it's often the little, everyday, seemingly unheroic things that I do for Rhonda that cause her to respect me and want to be closer to me.
Cleaning up my mess on the kitchen table, putting up the laptop after I write, opening the door for her, sending flowers when she's had a bad day, calling her from work. She doesn't see me as a hero just because I do the big things like not forgetting birthdays or changing her flat tires. It's my duty to do the "big" things like that. But it's the little, daily, unexpected acts that I often have to make myself do that promote me to hero status in her mind.
Daily, little "Samaritan" actions are what build closeness, intimacy, and even more commitment in marriage.
I once asked an old blind preacher friend of mine, Brother Allen, what he felt was the key to success in marriage. He smiled at me, opened the back of his Bible, and pulled out a Braille sermon outline he had just preached the week before and held it in his hand.
From memory, he gave me the bottom line.
"Serve your wife like it's the last day God has given you on earth. It might just be your last. Don't waste it."
I couldn't have said it better.
Discuss this excerpt on our blog, Fresh Brew.
____________________________________________________________________
For more information on The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently About Your Relationship Can Change Everything and its author Mitch Temple, visit the book's official site.
____________________________________________________________________
Taken with permission from The Marriage Turnaround, Moody Publishers, copyright © 2009 by Mitch Temple. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. This excerpt was published on Ungrind.org on February 22, 2009.
